Paul Woodthorpe

Jack Off All Trades, Master Of Bation

bummer.me/paulwoodthorpe

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I am the guy that is incredibly fun to be around until I have crashed your car, slept with your sister and deleted all your game saves.

1976
Turned up unannounced when my mother was told she couldn't have kids but suddenly went into labour one evening.
1986
Climbed the neighbours wooden fence, fell off, got stuck in the neighbour's bushes and wasn't found by concerned, frantic parents for several hours.
1988
Started the first day of High School by telling a girl that she reminded me of a graveyard, with miserable depressing features that nobody wants to be around at night unless it is sliding a stiff into her. She punched me in the face and nearly knocked my teeth out. Surprisingly we dated 4 years later.
1992
Had my first kiss during a teenage game of spin the bottle. I didn't know that the bottle span in my direction and the girl I fancied at the time suddenly lunged at me, grabbed my head and kissed me. I was so shocked by what was happening I froze and then she said I was a crap kisser.
1995
Went on a college ski trip. Went to the hotel room me and my mates were staying in with a Pizza and thought I would scare the shits out of them by kicking the door in and screaming "Pizza bitches!!!!!" Unfortunately it turns out I was on the 3rd Floor and not the 4th Floor as I had miscounted the steps. I instead announced the arrival of Pizza to a room full of naked German skiers who were partaking in a moderately sweaty orgy.
1996
Proceeded to get over the end of my relationship with a cute lass with large breasts, but sadly drank an out of date milkshake after work, before our date. Proceeded to vomit all over my date in the back of my car when making out. Worse still, she seemed to get off on it and asked me to vomit on her more while we had sex. Never saw her again.
1996
Lost my virginity to a complete stranger at a house party while her long term boyfriend was drunk on the sofa. Didn't really like her very much but ended up stuck with her for the following 3 years until she left me for another stranger in Devon... on Valentines Day.
1999
Met my future wife under exceptional circumstances. Was meant to be a one-night stand but ended up with her being blinded for a few hours due to an unfortunate release of jizz, followed by an ex-boyfriend of hers trying to choke her to death the next morning resulting in a trip to a Police station, and then taking her home with me so she could stay away from him, and she never left!
2000
Had a daughter, which was the result of a Pizza Hut meal and a quickie in a dark car park in a Fiat Tipo. Very unplanned and took me until several months after the birth to get over the shock.
2022
Decided to fill this out as honestly as I could and probably screwed any chance of me getting any decent job in future. But hope that what I lack in job prospects, I make up for in humour and ladies!... or just humour... most likely... definitely... just humour.